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The
Copywriters Union
By John L. Cimino
The phone rang in
the office of the International Brother & Sisterhood of Copywriters
Union, Local 164.
“Hello, Copywriter’s Union, may I help you?”
“Yes, I hope so. I need a copywriter to do some writing for my company,
and I was hoping you could help me.”
“We can certainly put you in touch with a number of copywriters.
Let me ask you a few questions first,” said the man from Copywriter’s
Local 164.
“First off, we’ll need to know what kind of material you want.”
“Oh, a brochure or two and maybe a few sales letters,” said
the enthusiastic voice.
“OK, good,” said the man from Local 164. “Now, in terms
of the letters, will you be wanting a headline, subheads, and sentences
linked together into paragraphs?”
“Well, I guess so,” said the voice, sounding just slightly
bemused by the question. “But why would you want to know that?”
“Simple,” said the man from Local 164. “Copywriters
have become very specialized today, like doctors, dentists and auto mechanics.
You’ll need one copywriter for the headlines. Another copywriter
for the subheads. A different one for sentences...and even a Phrase, Clause
and Syntax Specialist (a PCS man) to blend all the sentences into paragraphs.”
Astounded, the caller stammered, “Wait a minute. You mean to tell
me that it takes 3 or 4 writers just to write one letter?”
“Not at all,” said the man from the union. “It could
possibly take up to 7 or 8 if you want a really good letter. Besides the
headlines, subheads, body copy and Phrase, Clause, Syntax specialists,
you’ll also need a P.S. expert, a paragraph transition facilitator,
a run-on sentence detector, and a weasel word eliminator.”
“What in heaven’s name is a weasel word eliminator,”
asked the caller, who was quite sure by now that she had dialed the wrong
number and was talking to an inmate from the Asylum for by for the Commercially
Insane.
Undaunted, the man from Local 164 explained that a weasel word eliminator
was not really a copywriter, but a research individual who monitors focus
group sessions in which ordinary citizens express their displeasure and
mistrust over the use of words such as, “up to,” “maybe,”
“probably,” etc. Therefore, these individuals are an indispensable
part of the total team effort.
“But I still don’t understand why it takes so many people
to write a letter!” replied the beleagured caller, who was beginning
to think that copywriting had finally gone the way of the automobile assembly
line.
“Let me ask you a question,” the union man continued. “Do
you live in a house?”
“Of course I live in a house.” said the exasperated creative
services shopper. “What do you think I live in...a refrigerator
box?”
“I’m sorry, Ms., but we haven’t reached the financial
qualifications part of the questioning yet. The point I’m trying
to make is that the house you live in was built by several different people
all working together. You had carpenters, electricians, bricklayers, ...all
kinds of tradesmen. Or what about when you go to your dentist, and he
sends you to an orthodontist who recommends an endodontist who sends you
to a gum specialist.”
“Besides,” continued the erstwhile union representative, “if
you’ve ever tried to put together a direct marketing campaign, those
people will really drive you crazy with their specialists.” standing
by. Plus, there are envelope manufacturers with three different ways of
making envelopes and 4 million sizes and textures.”
“Did we mention database marketing, predictive modeling, regression
analysis, neural networks, data processing, desktop pre-press, computer
net-working, telemarketing scripts, letter-shops and fulfillment houses?”
“What does all that have to do with copywriting?” said the
caller, now warming to the task of going to battle with this unionized
creative bureaucrat. “I simply called and asked whether you could
help me find a copywriter,” said the caller. “I suppose if
I called and asked you what time it was, you would have told me how to
build a watch.”
“All right, all right,” said the union rep, “I can understand
your consternation. But look at it from our point of view. I mean we don’t
get the respect we deserve. We perform a difficult task under severe time
constraints — often with no chance to research or delve into the
product or service we’re supposed to sell. Business executives leave
us out of the loop when they’re making their marketing plans, and
expect us to perform miracles overnight. Then, adding insult to injury,
they treat us as though we’re some oddball collection of underachievers
who are a dime a dozen.”
The union rep sensed a slight twinge of empathy emanating from the female
caller. He continued, “What else could we do? We had to form this
union just to protect ourselves from extinction. Businessmen are out to
crush us. They think we can be replaced with word processors equipped
with spelling and grammar checkers. They think they can go to one seminar
on copywriting and become an expert overnight.”
Now fully understanding the union representative’s plight, the caller
said, “I understand your frustration but do you really think that
forming a union and featherbedding your services is the right way to go?”
“I’m open to suggestions,” said the union rep.
“How about writing that brochure and a few sales letters for me
all by yourself. You know, without going through the union.”
“Are you asking me to work under the table — to defy my union’s
code of ethics?” asked the practically former union rep.
“Yes, I am,” said the caller.
“It’s a deal,” said the copywriter. “I’ll
do the work of 7 or 8 experts for you and I’ll only charge you for
my time.”
© 1994, John L. Cimino
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