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The
Great Apostrophe Famine CAUTION: The article you are about to read contains no apostrophes. Due to the fact that email transmissions convert keyboarded apostrophes into the numeral "1", or the letter "a" with an accent above it, and probably all sorts of other quirky strokes, I have done the only thing possible and omitted all contractions. If reading this article causes you to feel drowsy, dizzy, silly, or disoriented, please stop reading and consult a psychiatrist or English teacher immediately. Can someone explain to me why my Outlook Express email messaging software cannot convert my keyboard entered apostrophes as apostrophes? Or my "smart" quotes as smart quotes? While you are at it, please include the reason why an "em" dash comes out as a dunce cap. Perhaps this latter peccadillo is symptomatic of the disregard computer programmers and code writers exhibit over the clarity of the written word and the English language. In case you have not yet noticed, one of the consequences of omitting apostrophes from your writing is to render your writing style stiff, formal, condescending, and a tad pompous. Not good things for a writer. Contractions make writing sound more conversational and human, and help make your writing flow easier and quicker. Good things for a writer. You cannot deny the irony of a medium designed to improve communication, wreaking havoc on punctuation and spelling. Am I being anal about this? You bet your ass I am. I am a writer. If I appear to be grumbling over trivialities, so be it. It is what I do for a living. And I do not like the tools of my profession being blunted by non-literate geeks who probably think Don Quixote is head of the Mexican Mafia. I would not dare tempt the consequences of using an ampersand, dollar sign, or a percentage symbol. In fact, I wonder what my question marks are coming up as? Hopefully, they are not being mutilated, as well. I noticed recently that one of my clients was substituting commas for apostrophes in their email messages. That, of course, is OK for them. They are in the financial services business. Such a compromise is out of the question for me. What if this grammatical software glitch spreads like a virus? What if, indeed, my question marks were appearing as dollar signs or asterisks in messages that I send to clients? First the apostrophe. Then the question mark. I do not need to tell you what the result would be if I had to start writing sentences, which were exclusively declarative. My copy would sound like it was written by a government clerk in the dead letter department. Is it possible to solve this thorny little technical problem? I do not think so. Others have complained also. Perhaps we should assemble an Apostrophe Task Force to examine the scope and extent of the problem. Sadly, I have given up on the ellipsis, one of my favorites. I no longer attempt the use of any style or typographic effects such as boldface or Italics, in the fear that my copy will look like gibberish. I suppose I should just be happy that email is fast, cheap, and less intrusive than the phone. But I wish I could compose it with a full range of instruments. © 2001, Cimino Direct, Inc. |
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Cimino Direct LLC. All rights reserved. |